


Insert Title (PENIS) Here Or How Maybe Thor Shouldn't Have Inserted His Penis (TITLE) There

by sherlockssexysocks



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Loki is CRAZAY, M/M, Mpreg, Porn, Thor is a Whore, Tony is gonna lose his shit, What is this?, loads of other stuff that just make this sound like utter bollox so not gonna tag hehe, normal!preg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-01-03 10:04:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1069174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockssexysocks/pseuds/sherlockssexysocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony thinks that there should be some kind of Norse God Crisis Centre. </p><p>Or an Asgardian Helpline. </p><p>Even just a little booklet entitled “Everything You Need to Know about the God of Thunder that Lives in Your Attic”. </p><p>Tony thinks it would benefit him greatly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chaptah Wan

**Author's Note:**

> Don't know what this is. Forgive me. Forgive me multiple times because there shall be more.

Tony thinks that there should be some kind of Norse God Crisis Centre. 

Or an Asgardian Helpline. 

Even just a little booklet entitled “Everything You Need to Know about the God of Thunder that Lives in Your Attic”. 

Tony thinks it would benefit him greatly. 

Because one minute Thor is all ‘Never, I could never marry a mortal, Stark! Have you no idea of how my father would react?” and now he’s all like “Of course I am going to marry Dr. Foster! She is carrying my child!”

Tony tried to take the time and explain to Thor about this thing called abortion or even just disappearing to Asgard for like, half a century but that ended in a thunder storm that nearly flooded New York and Thor yelling that he would never abandon or murder his own child. So Tony drank his own weight in scotch, got incredibly drunk, even by his standards, and paid a certain solider’s room a little visit that resulted in Tony waking the next morning with a hangover, a hard-on and what felt like a dislocated shoulder. 

“I hope this isn’t going to cause any trouble.” Jane says uncertainly as Thor gathers her belongings in his arms, preparing to bring them to their newly shared bedroom.

Tony forces a smile and waves a dismissive hand in her direction.

“Of course not.”

Jane smiles nervously and tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, looking at Tony almost shyly.

“I mean, I know it’s not ideal what with all your top-secret superhero business but it’s just until we get on our feet and my flat was just like, way too small and Darcy was always coming over to stay and-”

“And he said that it’s fine.” Natasha interrupts impatiently.

Jane glances at her, startled and Natasha forces a smile like a grimace before returning to the bowl of noodles before her.

“It’s no trouble at all.” Tony says in a more reassuring manner.

Jane exhales loudly before nodding, a warmer smile softening her features.

“Good. That’s good.”

 

…

 

“I don’t like her.” Natasha decides once Jane and Thor have disappeared.

“That’s because you don’t like the idea of another woman living with us.” Tony sighs as he throws himself back onto the sofa.

“No, it’s because she giggles and smells nice.” Natasha says around a mouthful of noodles.

“So, in other words it’s because she acts like a girl?” Tony asks.

Natasha chews thoughtfully before nodding.

“Uh huh.”

Tony shrugs his shoulders.

“Whatever. It won’t be for long anyway.”

“That’s what you said about Bruce and now he lives in your basement.”

Tony thinks that another booklet should be produced; “How to Deal with the Green Man that Hides in Your Basement.”

And “How to Live with the Russian Spy that Clogs Your Shower Drain with Hair.”

“I should start charging rent.”

 

…

 

“Are you sure Tony doesn’t mind?” Jane asks for the thousandth time as Thor unpacks her belongings.

Thor takes yet another deep breath and counts to ten in Elvish before offering her his most charming smile.

“Of course not, Tony Stark is a friend. He would never have agreed to this if he had a problem with it.”

Jane wrings her hands anxiously and chews on her bottom lip. Thor sighs and drops the box in his hands, not missing the way Jane winces as whatever was in there rattles noisily. He steps towards her and wraps his strong, safe arms around her.

“This is not for long. Soon we shall have our own home. I promise you.”

 

…

 

Tony is just about to play his favourite adult movie (no hate, he needs to wind down, ok?) when JARVIS alerts him of an uninvited guest. 

“It is the brother, sir.”

Tony groans loudly and runs a hand over his face.

“What brother, JARVIS?” He snaps, his head literally fried.

“Loki of…well, technically of Jotunheim but I am almost certain that he still refers to himself as being of Asgard. I will research that right away, sir, but he is standing on the roof, refusing to leave until he meets with Thor.”

Tony wants to scream. He literally wants to break glass with only the octave of his scream. He swallows hard before making his way to his feet.

“Ok. I am going to go meet with the Prince of Showing Up Without an Invite and I want you to tell Thor, alright, JARVIS?”

“I believe his correct title would be Prince of Asgard or rather, the Rightful King of Asgard.” JARVIS quips.

Tony curls his hands into fists and smiles blithely.

“I frankly do not give a shit. Now get, Thor.”

“Really, sir, I feel that your tone is a little unnecessary.” JARVIS says in a rather annoyed voice.

“Jesus, not now, JARVIS. Just wake Thor.”

“Please.”

“Pardon?”

“Please. Is it too hard to-”

“JARVIS!”

 

…

 

Loki paces about atop Stark Towers like a madman. 

Or a madGod. 

Or madDemigod if people want to get technical about it.

Point is, he’s pacing and he is mad. 

Oh yes, Loki is furious. 

He snarls at nothing in particular and continue to stalk about the roof like a panther, ready to launch himself at the first Avenger that dare try and cross his path. His temper does not improve any better when a rather sleepy looking Thor makes his way onto the roof, a petulant look upon his face.

“What is it that could not wait, brother?” Thor calls as he steps out.

Loki can see Stark waiting by the door, a determined look on his face, as if he is just waiting to be given the opportunity to fight him.

“You’re betrothed to the mortal? To that sack of meat?” he hisses, spittle flying everywhere.

Thor looks wary as he steps closer.

“Loki, now is not the time for this conversation.”

Loki looks at him incredulously.

“Oh? And when do you suppose you might afford to schedule me in, brother? You have not returned to Asgard in nearly two moons, when do you propose would be an appropriate time for this conversation?”

Thor glances back at his friends nervously, all of the Avengers having gathered by the windows now, Jane included. 

“Perhaps a time when we do not have an audience, brother.”

Thor is pleading with him now and that proves to only infuriate Loki further.

“Why? Ashamed of me, are you? Ashamed of how you feel?” he growls.

“Loki…”

 

…

 

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Natasha wonders aloud.

“Probably something along the lines of ‘did you take my magic book? I swear I left it in my room.’ And Thor’s all like ‘hey, Dad gave me that first. It was mine before it belonged to you.’ Something like that.” Clint says in a bored voice.

Jane furrows her brow as the Avengers snicker. 

“It looks more serious than that.” She breathes, watching the way Loki almost seems to be baring his fangs at Thor.

“JARVIS, can you turn on the outside microphones?” Tony calls.

“Please.” JARVIS sniffs.

“Jesus Christ, please.” Tony snaps, rolling his eyes.

JARVIS was getting too big for his boots if you asked him. They waited a moment before the sound began to filter in.

“…must take me for some sort of fool, brother. I know why you avoid Asgard.” Loki snarls.

“I’d fucking avoid it too if you were my brother.” Clint mutters.

“Loki, that is most unfair! Things have been a little… chaotic here on Midgard. I have had no choice except to stay here.”

“Free to leave any time, Thor.” Tony breathes.

“I know that you stay because of that woman and because of what has nestled itself in her stomach!”

Jane feels a shiver run down her spine at Loki’s words and the anger that seems to drip from them.

“He sounds delighted to be an uncle.” Clint sighs.

“What do you propose I do, brother? I cannot abandon my child. I would never abandon one of my own children.”

Loki’s soft laughter makes their hairs stand on end.

“You swear it? Swear you would never turn one of your children away?” Loki demands.

Natasha raises an eyebrow.

“I don’t like where this is going…” She whispers.

“Of course not, Loki! Why would you ask such a thing? I shall love my child.”

Tony thinks that the amount of crazy in Loki’s eyes is too much for one God to carry.

“Good then, brother. Because I too carry the seed of the Mighty Thor.”

“What?” Both Jane and Steve shout at the same time.

“Told you.” Natasha sighs as Clint begins to laugh hysterically. 

Tony leans against the kitchen counter and stares out at Thor who looks as though he is about to throw up.

Tony decides he needs another booklet: “Everything You need to Know About the God of Thunder of Thunder That Lives in Your Attic and Impregnates His Mentally Unstable Brother Whilst in a Supposedly Monogamous Relationship With a Woman Who Already Had Issues With Men.”

Yup. Tony’s life would be so much better if he had one of those.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Please gimme more feedback! I lav it!

Tony wonders how the other half live.

The normal people.

The people who don’t have to watch a god explain to his pregnant lover that he has also managed to impregnate his brother.

Who is another god.

And male, Tony really needs to add.

Tony is only watching because it has taken four of them to restrain the pregnant brother when Jane decided the best idea she ever had was to smack him across the face. And sure, it had been a pretty spectacular slap but still, she slapped a god. 

A pregnant, angry god who probably only wants to slit her throat anyways. 

Loki struggles against them some more and makes a frankly terrifying growling sound. Thor glances over at Natasha, Clint, Steve and Tony and how they are pinning Loki against the wall and looks anxious.

“Please, do not harm him.” Thor begs just as Jane decides to slap her idiot boyfriend.

Tony silently cheers her on. 

“Stop thinking about his well-being and explain yourself!” She demands furiously.

“I don’t think there’s much to explain.” Clint grunts through gritted teeth as he grips Loki’s legs in some kind of death-lock.

Tony hums his agreement as Steve shoulders Loki to keep still.

“Thor, c’mon big guy, we’re kind of struggling here.” Steve gasps as Loki attempts to shrug them off once again.

“Unhand me!” Loki hisses. “Unhand me now and I shall spare your pathetic lives.”

“Well, I don’t need to be told twice.” Tony sighs as he lets go of his grip around Loki’s waist; he knows a losing battle when he sees one.

The others follow suit and Loki stands before them, smoothing the creases of his leather outfit down. 

“Good humans.” He teases, ignoring the filthy looks Natasha shoots his way.

Jane makes a soft sound and goes to step behind Thor, clearly a little more frightened now that Loki isn’t pinned down by four superheroes. 

Tony doesn’t know if standing behind Thor is a wise move though, especially since everyone now knows who Thor has really been slipping in behind. 

“Please, you mewling quim, if I truly begged he would break your neck. Do not think that he will protect you now.” Loki growls as he stalks closer like some sort of sleek panther and even though they are brothers, Tony can totally see why Thor has been tapping that.

“Brother, I beseech you, please do not cause her any harm.” Thor says seriously.

Loki shoots him a furious look before schooling his face to one of complete calm.

“You have my word. I shall not harm a hair on her head.” Loki says softly.

“Perfect. Now, Loki, you head on back to Asgard and Thor will follow and you kids can sort out all your weird, incestuous, family drama up there, ok?” Tony declares, clapping his hands together loudly.

Steve looks at him as though he is crazy but Tony thinks that he’s just a little sleep deprived. 

“I cannot leave Jane.” Thor says firmly and Tony looks at him as though he is crazy because Loki now looks as if he really is crazy and for a brief moment Tony wonders how he’s going to remove the bloodstains from his carpet when Thor continues. “And Loki cannot leave me. For now, he has no choice but to remain on Midgard. With us.”

“With us?” Natasha repeats incredulously. 

“Where else would he stay?” Thor demands.

“I do not wish to stay here!” Loki snaps.

“I’m not staying here with him.” Jane exclaims.

“I’m going to bed.” Tony decides.

“Sir, where should I place the rightful king of Asgard?” JARVIS quips.

“In his rightful place.” Loki snarls. “By Thor’s side.”

“Then where should I place Dr. Foster?” JARVIS asks.

“If you think that I’m going to just step aside, Prince of Darkness, then-” 

Natasha fires a shot from her revolver through the ceiling and everyone falls silent.

“Thor, decide where each of your impregnated guests are sleeping and then put them there. If anyone wakes me before nine a.m I’ll place a bullet right between your eyes. Goodnight.” Natasha declares, pushing past them all. “Come on, Clint.”

Clint does not need to be told twice and on any other occasion Tony would yell ‘Whipped’ but he wisely decides that now is one of those moments where he should keep quiet.

“Sir, is the brother pregnant too?” JARVIS suddenly asks, sounding very confused.

“JARVIS, I’m going to unplug you.”

 

.

 

Tony doesn’t get much sleep.

There are many reasons, he supposes, why he could not sleep but he thinks that the raging thunderstorm with hailstones the size of tennis balls hammering against his windows could probably be seen as the main cause. 

When he enters the kitchen Natasha is sitting at the counter polishing her favourite revolver.

“Right between the eyes.” She says with relish.

“He’s pregnant.” Tony points out. “You’d have a child on your hands.”

“Thor isn’t.” She retorts.

“Yeah but then Loki would kill Jane so either way a child will die.” Clint says through a mouthful of cereal.

“A small price to pay…” Natasha mutters darkly and Tony really begins to wonder about his decisions in life and the friends he keeps.

“We’re not killing anyone.” Tony says firmly as he sits down to a cup of steaming coffee.

“Sir, back to my earlier question; the brother is pregnant?” JARVIS suddenly interrupts.

“Yes.” Tony says wearily.

“But he is male.” 

“Yes.”

“So he cannot be pregnant.” JARVIS argues.

“Well, he is.” Tony sighs.

“But he is male.”

“Jesus, is JARVIS stuck on repeat again?” Clint breathes as places his head in his hands.

“He’s just… impregnated ok? That’s all you need to understand.” Tony snaps.

“But he is male.” JARVIS says more desperately this time as though his entire world is crumbling before his eyes.

Tony slams his hand against the counter and looks up at JARVIS angrily.

“I know he’s male and I don’t fucking understand it either but Jesus fucking Christ JARVIS, he’s a fucking boy and he’s fucking pregnant!” Tony explodes, not really knowing where all this pent up anger was coming from but the last time he was this mad he passed out and he hopes that doesn’t happen again because Natasha would never let him live it down.

“Sir, he is male, it is an impossibility for him to conceive.” JARVIS tries to point out reasonably.

Tony groans loudly and looks at Natasha for help but she seems too engrossed in polishing her gun.

“JARVIS, he’s an alien god that sometimes beams himself onto our roof, I think him being pregnant is more believable than the fact that he sometimes travels from another planet for a visit.” Tony says as calmly as he can manage.

There is a small pause before JARVIS speaks again.

“I shall research male pregnancies, sir.” JARVIS decides.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy.”

 

.

 

When the thunder/ice storm (Category Four hurricane) finally subsides, the Avengers are all sprawled out in the living room, watching TV.

None of them look up when Thor enters the room looking a little weather-beaten himself. He throws himself onto a beanbag and stares at the television screen. 

“Why are we watching the show about comrades again?” he asks in a hollow voice.

“You mean ‘Friends’?” Clint asks disbelievingly.

“Yes, friends, companions, whatever the word. Why are we watching this again?” he demands brokenly.

“What do you feel like watching?” Bruce asks gently.

“The channel of new discoveries and adventures please.”

No one bother to correct Thor, each of them feeling his pain. 

Because they had heard Jane screaming and slamming about upstairs, only for her to arrive down stairs and tell them that she was leaving.

“I’m not having his child.” She had spat as she shoved her belongings into a battered looking suitcase. “I’m not bringing another creature like them into this world, we have enough problems!”

Natasha had agreed with her and spurred her on, only delighted to rid the house of her presence. Once Jane had left, Loki had truly kicked up and if they thought the hailstones were bad it was nothing compared to the icy wind that had almost frozen Stark Tower over.

Now as they sit in the eye of the storm, none of them want to break the calm that seems to have washed over the place.

“Are you okay, Thor?” Steve says gently.

“I am not, my friend, but I shall be soon. I fear that Loki and I must impose on your kind hospitality for a while more. He cannot return to Asgard for some time, it seems.”

“Why?” Tony demands curiously.

“He tried to usurp the king, our father. It is a small matter and one that should be smoothed over soon but Father will need some time to calm down.”

“I bet your Christmas dinners are a hoot!” Clint exclaims.

Thor looks at him in confusion and as he goes to speak Tony shushes him.

“It doesn’t matter. Watch some TV, we’ll explain Christmas some other day. You relax, big guy.”

And he does relax.

For all of five minutes because the second Loki enters the room, Thor is on his feet, practically throwing himself at his brother’s feet.

“What is it? Are you hungry? Do you wish to bathe? Is your bed too soft?”

Loki shoots him a disdainful look before side-stepping him and settling himself on the sofa beside Steve who looks as though he is being anally probed.

“Why are we watching a show about rocks?” he demands.

“It helps Thor relax.” Tony explains, too tired to care that Loco-Loki was sitting in his living room as if he had never tried to kill them before.

“How dull. Hand me the machine that alters the pictures.” He orders.

“It’s called a remote.” Bruce says helpfully, leaning across to give it to Loki.

Loki sniffs at it and presses a button experimentally. Up pops Nigella Lawson baking some delicious treats and Tony would almost think this was nice if Thor were not cowering by Loki’s feet.

“I like this woman.” Loki decides, settling himself into the cushions some more.

Steve shoots Tony a pleading look as Thor slowly begins to ease himself onto the sofa between them. Natasha looks highly amused to see a fully grown man and two gods sitting shoulder to shoulder on a two-seater-sofa.

“Nigella’s awesome.” Clint agrees as they watch her mix the batter of the cake quite vigorously.

“She must cook for us tonight.” Loki says thoughtfully. “Thor shall fetch her.”

Tony glances at Thor who beams and Tony wonders what goes on inside his head. He wonders if words actually make sense to him or if Thor just wings it.

Tony wishes he knew how the other half lived. 

Even if he only got to experience it every second Saturday.


	3. Chaptuh Twee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, it actually amazes me that people enjoy this story.
> 
> Please continue to read, rate and review, kids!

Tony doesn’t know from first-experience, thank God, but he has heard from very reliable sources that pregnant women can be extremely difficult to keep happy. 

Tony supposes that it is only natural then that pregnant Gods are even worse.

And of course, it is completely understandable that pregnant Gods with psychopathic tendencies are just impossible.

“What is it you have poured all over my friend potatoes?” Loki snarls. “It is like acid!”

“It’s vinegar.” Bruce says uncertainly, glancing about at the other Avengers hoping that one of them might step in and save him from Loki’s wrath. 

“It is putrid! It is burning my nostrils! You are trying to poison my child.”

“Loki, please, my friends would never-” Thor begins to soothe but Loki cuts him short.

“What? Try and murder me? They have done it before-”

“As an act of self-defence!” Steve cries out. “And we have never tried to kill you!”

Loki rolls his eyes and scowls at him venomously.

“Blatant lies.” He hisses.

Steve stares at them all in horror. If there was one sure way of getting Captain America’s panties in a twist, it was to accuse him of being a liar. Tony knew from experience that nothing riled him more than that. 

“Listen, Loki, I think that you’re being a little unreasonable here.” Steve states calmly, leaning across the table in order to look Loki in the eye. “We, the Avengers, have never gone out of our way to try and harm you, the purpose of the foundation of this group was to protect the earth and the good people of America and-”

“Here.” Clint suddenly shouts, a tortured look on his face. “Here. Have my fries. There’s no vinegar, no salt, just wholesome fried potato. Eat, enjoy, shut up.”

Clint practically throws his fries across the table, leaving them all in a rather uncomfortable silence. 

Well, they looked uncomfortable. 

Thor looked oblivious whilst Loki appeared smug.

“I believe this is where you thank him for his generosity.” Steve points out with a meaningful look.

Loki raises one eyebrow and stares him down with the kind of power that would make a lesser man crawl into a ball and cry for days.

Not Steve though, not Captain ‘I Pledge Allegiance’ America. He locks eyes with the pregnant God of Unstable Hormones and offers him a warm smile.

“Manners can go a long way, buddy.”

“Ok, now is not the time to try and save an already damned soul.” Tony whispers out of the corner of his mouth as he watches Loki’s eyes spark dangerously.

“All he needs to say is thank you.” Steve says simply.

“Loki thanks you, Clint.” Thor declares quickly through a mouthful of hamburger. “Now, let us enjoy our meal.”

 

.

 

A brief spell passes where everything appears to be calm. 

Tony is almost certain that Thor had words with Loki over the incident regarding the ‘poisoned fried potatoes’. Because Rock of Ages suddenly becomes this kind, gentle, caring, polite-

Ok, Tony’s lying.

Loki becomes a little more tolerant. He stops shouting at Thor in front of them and even addresses them by their names instead of ‘mortal’.

Well, he does sometimes. 

More often than not he just says ‘You, do this’ or ‘You, do that’ but there is definitely a marked improvement in behaviour. 

That is, of course, until the morning sickness kicks in.

“It’s a little chilly for May, don’t you think?” Tony deadpans as a blizzard envelops Stark Tower.

Natasha stares out the window at the heavy snow and howling winds and sighs miserably.

“If I stayed with S.H.I.E.L.D. I’d be travelling the world right now.” 

“Remember Budapest?” Clint says with a grin.

Natasha smirks at him and Tony can safely bet that whatever happened in Budapest was fucking awesome.

And most definitely pornographic.

“Sir, I’m wondering whether or not I should turn on the heated windows? A thick layer of ice appears to be covering the top the tower?” JARVIS.

“Do it.” Tony says with an approving nod.

“Please.” JARVIS almost sighs.

“How many times are we going to have this conversation?” Tony demands.

“Manners can go a long way, buddy.” Steve says calmly from behind his newspaper.

“Don’t fucking start.” Tony growls just as Thor comes thundering into the room, a stormy expression on his face.

“All this time I have defended you. All this time I have gone against my brother, the mother of my child, and-”

“Will never get used to ‘brother’ and ‘mother of my child’ being used to refer to the same person.” Clint huffs with a disbelieving chuckle.

“And what, Thor?” Steve asks with a concerned look, placing the newspaper down beside him.

“And you have poisoned him and my babe!” Thor erupts and Tony has seen that look on his face, right before he smashes his enemy with that glorious hammer of his.

“Ok, let’s all just take a moment and-” Tony starts to soothe when Mjolnir rips through the living room wall and into Thor’s outstretched hand.

“Loki is ill. He has clearly been poisoned.” Thor growls, swinging his hammer round and quickly gathering up speed.

“Hey, hey! Before you summon up that mighty thunder and lightning of yours, I think that you should maybe give us a chance to speak?” Tony asks a tad meekly.

Because he really does not want to cross the God of fucking Thunder, not on a day when he feels a little bloated and sluggish and would like nothing more than to lie down with some scotch and a good movie. Preferably x-rated.

“Speak.” Thor snaps and he makes it sound like a dare so Tony turns to Steve.

“No one has poisoned Loki.” Steve says in that honest way of his. “You know that we’d never try and hurt him. You know that, Thor.”

“Then why does he keep nothing down? Why has he been vomiting since we rose this morn?”

Bruce smiles warmly and looks at Thor as if he is the sweetest, simplest creature that graced this earth and not some hammer-wielding, storm-bringing Norse God.

“It’s called ‘Morning Sickness’, Thor. It’s a completely normal part of pregnancy.” He says kindly.

Thor stops swinging Mjolnir and frowns in confusion.

“But we are no longer in the morn?” he argues.

“It can occur at any time of the day.” Bruce explains. “It’s just more commonly known as ‘Morning Sickness’. Loki will be fine, a little more irritable and sensitive perhaps, but he’ll make a full recovery. It’s a sign of a healthy baby.”

A stupid smile makes its way across Thor’s face and Tony swears that the huge Norse god before him actually giggles.

“Ah. Well, then I must beg each and every one of your forgiveness.” He says with the same dopey smile on his face.

“There’s no need to beg.” Tony says just as Natasha snaps “Get on your knees.”

Thor runs a hand through his hair and looks out at the blizzard battering the windows almost fondly.

“I suppose we can thank Loki for the freak storm?” Clint sighs, feeling way too old and tired for this constant Norse bullshit.

Thor nods.

“Aye. He does this when he does not feel the best.”

Tony briefly wonders what it would be like to have normal friends.

 

.

 

“I’m just going to check on them.” Tony whispers as he makes his way through the darkened corridor.

Because if the snowstorm doesn’t fucking stop soon people are going to die.

The next ice-age will be at the hands of a pregnant God suffering from morning sickness.

Steve shoots him an unimpressed look before continuing to climb the stairs to his own floor. Tony sighs and continues on alone. There are no sounds coming from Thor’s floor and Tony wonders if maybe they’ve returned to Asgard or something.

He presses an ear against their bedroom door before opening it. 

If Tony actually had a heart, he thinks that it would literally turn to a puddle of goo inside his chest. Because yes, they are brothers and yes it is technically incest, they look so horribly sweet wrapped up in a pile of blankets and furs together.

Tony notes that Loki really does look a little worse for wear, seeming much paler than usual, especially in contrast to the wonderfully bronzed skin of Thor’s chest. 

Tony sighs and takes a step back, unable to summon enough evil to wake them from their peaceful slumber. He closes the door behind and comes face to face with a gleeful Clint.

“Always knew you were a pussy.” He hisses delightedly.

“You wake him so and tell him to turn off the snow machine.” Tony challenges quietly.

Clint snorts and opens his mouth to speak when the bedroom door opens, revealing a rather sleepy and disorientated looking Loki.

“Is there a problem?” he asks in a wrecked voice.

Tony shoots Clint a look, silently urging him to be the one to speak. Clint, thankfully, takes the hint and steps forward.

“The blizzard outside? It’s gotten to the stage where they think they’re going to have to evacuate New York? You think maybe you could tone it down?” he demands.

Loki shrugs with a disinterested look on his face.

“It is outside my control. It is our son that is wreaking havoc, not I.”

Both Tony and Clint stare at Loki’s still flat stomach, as though expecting a tiny Loki to be flipping them the bird.

“When do you think he’ll stop?” Tony asks fearfully.

“Whenever he gets what he wants.” Loki sighs.

“And what’s that?” 

“Elk. Thor said he would rise and go once he has rested.” Loki states casually. “Now, if that is all, I must bid you both good-night.”

“Uh, you mind telling Thor to hurry up there?” Tony urges almost anxiously.

Loki raises an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed.

“Thor shall go when he is ready and no sooner.”

Loki closes the door in their faces and Tony suppresses a small groan.

Incestuous, pregnant, Norse gods with psychopathic tendencies really were impossible.


	4. Chaptewah Fir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! ENJOY!

“Wanna tell me what you think you’re doing?” Tony asks, not really believing the sight before his eyes.

No. Because if he actually allows himself to believe what it is he is seeing then he thinks that he may have an aneurysm. 

And a stroke.

Because there is no fucking way that Thor is skinning a fucking elk on his best Parisian carpet. 

Nope. 

‘Cause that wouldn’t make sense. 

That would mean that Thor really was as stupid as Tony feared. 

And that just wouldn’t do.

“I’m preparing Loki’s supper.” Thor replies with a cheery grin.

Tony makes a choking sound and forces himself to take a step back. Thor is bigger than him and is probably most definitely trained in hand-to-hand combat. 

Tony slowly counts to ten and flashes Thor, who now looks confused, a tight grin before side-stepping the now skinless motherfucking elk and makes his way to his liquor cabinet.

“You are mad.” Comes Thor’s intuitive observation.

Tony throws him another obviously fake smile over his shoulder and shakes his head stiffly.

“Nope. Nope. Just need a night cap.” He growls.

“Would you like some elk?” Thor offers kindly.

Tony sniffs loudly and continues shaking his head until he feels a crick developing.

“Nope. Just gonna have a drink.”

Thor raises his eyebrows as Tony goes to leave the room.

“You are going to drink the entire bottle, Tony Stark? Doctor Bruce has warned against that.”

“Doctor Bruce can kiss my fucking ass, Thor.” Tony declares simply, slamming the living room door behind him as loudly as he dares.

 

.

 

“So, is the entire pregnancy going to happen here or are we only landlords until the end of the first trimester?” Natasha asks over coffee.

Tony raises an eyebrow.

“’We’? It’s my house or tower or whatever.” He sighs.

Natasha frowns at him.

“It’s the Avengers tower. We all live here.” She snaps as though Tony was just being rude.

Tony decides that a silent scream is the most appropriate course of action and so screams silently in his head for as long as he feels necessary. 

“We can’t exactly kick him out.” Steve points out. “Thor lives here and Loki has pretty much kept to himself since the morning sickness started.”

“As has Thor.” Bruce adds.

“Yeah, I mean, so long as he keeps paying rent or whatever he’s pretty much free to keep Loki here.” Natasha shrugs.

“None of you pay rent.” Tony quickly points out. 

“Tenant’s rights.” Clint says with a knowing nod.

“None of you are tenants because none of you pay rent.” Tony repeats more urgently.

“It’s only fair.” Bruce nods.

“Excuse me, you group of free-loaders, none of you pay fucking rent.” Tony snaps loudly. “But if you want to start, be my guests. Or tenants would be more accurate, I guess.”

Well, seeing as they were on the topic of rent, Tony didn’t think it would be completely unreasonable of him to ask for some sort of a donation. 

The collective gasp tells him otherwise.

“You’re a billionaire. I am an ex-soldier with no means of income seeing as I dedicate my time to defending the United States of America. You should really just think about what you said.” Steve growls, disgust dripping from his voice.

Tony raises his eyebrows in disbelief and looks around at the group surrounding him.

“Are you guys serious?” 

The furious stares from those around him tell him that they are indeed serious.

“Look guys, I know that S.H.I.E.L.D. gives us all some sort of commission that we’re not supposed to ‘discuss’ or whatever and…”

Tony falls silent as each member of the team seems to glower at him furiously.

“Sir? I believe you are the only member of the Avengers that receives any sort of commission and Director Fury was quite clear on that when he asked you not to discuss the fact with any other member of the team.” JARVIS quips.

“Yup, I got that JARVIS, thanks.”

 

.

 

“Loki needs pants.” Thor declares over breakfast.

Clint chews his cereal slowly before swallowing loudly and fixing Thor with a blank look.

“And?”

“Where shall I purchase such things? Usually I would send for a dressmaker, however, Loki is feeling quite sensitive about his enlarged frame and-”

“Enlarged frame? Thor, my pinkie has more fat than Loki.” Natasha scoffed.

“He is reaching his fourth moon and can no longer wear his leather battle dress. He is adamant that he needs new clothes.” Thor says with a shrug.

“All your time in New York and you’ve never been to a damned department store?” Clint says in disbelief.

Thor frowns.

“A departed…?”

“I’ll get Pepper to send some over.” Tony says as he enters the room.

Thor nods happily.

“Thank you, Tony Stark, Loki shall be most pleased.”

 

.

 

“I am not wearing them.” Loki snarls.

Thor shoots Tony a frazzled look whilst Loki glares at them.

“Loki, Tony Stark has very kindly purchased these clothes. He promised me that all men are wearing such things.”

Loki holds up one of the offending items and raises his eyebrows.

“Men are wearing trousers made of flannel?”

Tony bites down on the insides of his cheeks to stop himself from smiling. He may or may not have told Pepper that Loki needed flannel trousers because of all the chafing caused by his leather ones.

“They are good for your skin, Ms. Potts told me so.” Thor exclaims.

“There is nothing wrong with my skin!” Loki snaps. 

“They are super comfortable.” Tony adds. “And they stretch so you get great value for money.”

Loki snarls something incomprehensible and makes the trousers burst into green flames with the slightest flick of his wrist.

“Do not patronize me, Stark.” He hisses. “You will regret it.”

“What Loki means to say is-”

“I am speaking English, Thor! I need no translator!” Loki spits.

Thor shoots Loki a worried look and takes a step closer.

“I did not intend on-”

“Silence.” Loki growls and Tony feels all the hair stand up on the back of his neck.

Sure, Loki was hot as hell but Tony doesn’t think he would be able to actually love him the way Thor does.

The fucker was vicious.

“Fetch me a dressmaker.” Loki demands, smoothing a hand over the tiny bump beginning to grow.

“Loki, there are no dressmakers on Midgard who can tailor for your tastes.” Thor sighs. “They did not have Dwarf steel or Elvish silk.”

“I am no fool, Thor. I will simply have to make do with whatever materials they have to hand.”

Tony snorts.

“Yeah, I don’t know how any dressmaker would react to seeing a pregnant male.”

Especially a sexy ass pregnant male like Loki.

In the blink of an eye sexy ass male Loki becomes smoking hot female Loki.

"I need not remain in male form if it is that important." He/she purrs seductively. "Now, fetch me a dressmaker."

Tony takes it back.

He could love that.

He could love the fuck out of that.


	5. Chpater Feev

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO.
> 
> Massive delay, I know. 
> 
> Life, eh? Getting in the way and shit.
> 
> Anyways, hope you all enjoy!
> 
> <3

Tony has always known the importance of being a good friend, of staying loyal and standing by ones side in times of desperate need.

Brothers in arms, comrades, blah fucking blah. 

He gets it; don't dick your friends around.

But when he sees Loki swanning around the flat in the most delicate of green tunics with his soft, dark, wavy hair flowing down his back he wishes that he could forget all that shit.

Because all he wants to do is bend Thor’s pregnant lover over and fuck him until he cries.

Loki, not Tony.

Although, Tony wouldn’t mind shedding a tear or two; he can feel a lot of pent up emotion clouding his thoughts recently. He thinks it might have to do with the stress of wanting to bone their new house guest but he also knows that it's because Steve is playing so fucking hard to get and that annoys him because he would eat the shit out of Captain America's shiny ass if he would just ask him to. But he totally won't because it's fucking Steve who is too polite to even ask for a glass of water in a strangers house. 

But back to Loki.

Yeah.

Thor is one lucky, lucky god.

And Tony is a terribly jealous bastard.

And fucking horny.

 

…

“No.”

“But-”

“No.”

“Not even a little-”

“I said no.” Steve snaps, trying to shove his bedroom door closed.

Tony sighs loudly, clearly frustrated, folding his arms across his chest.

“Steve, do you know how long it has been?”

Steve shrugs, completely unfazed.

“Not my problem. Go use your hand like a normal person.”

Tony smirks and leans closer. 

“So, you like to use your hand, eh? Never but you down as a secret masturbator-”

Tony knows that he deserves the punch Steve lands square on his jaw. Steve glares at him, his beautiful chest heaving and Tony just wants to lick one peachy nipple but he knows that would result in the loss of his teeth, which he is quite attached to, thank you very much.

So Tony just exhales loudly, as though Steve is the one being horribly invasive and rude, and takes a step back, his hands held up as a calming gesture.

“Ok. I’m going to just go watch some porn and beat one out.” He says with a shrug.

Steve looks at him in disgust before slamming his bedroom door with as much force as he can muster.

Which is quite a lot, you know, with him being a Super Soldier and all.

Tony makes his way up the stairs, passing Natasha and Clint’s floor. He almost considers begging for a threesome but the last time they tried that (one extremely drunken and humiliating night) Natasha wouldn’t speak to him for a month because he tried to have anal with Clint instead of her. 

To be fair, it was hard to tell who owned what in his inebriated state. 

So he keeps walking up the staircase, listening to the sound of her laughter and Clint’s low murmuring. This is soon drowned out as he comes level with Thor and Loki’s floor. 

Tony stops dead in his tracks and almost faints against the wall.

Because they are either watching some seriously loud gay porn or the two bro’s were going at it. 

“Oh…Thor…”

Tony raises his eyebrows and tries to listen to his moral compass that is telling him to keep going northwards and not to stop and listen to his friends have sex except Loki’s breathy moans were making him incredibly hard and it was just too easy to slip his hand down the front of his jeans and tug one out.

He finishes quickly, just as Thor makes some deep, beastly grunting sound that makes the house shake simultaneously. 

“I hope that’s not it?” Tony hears Loki snap breathlessly.

Tony bites down on his lip to stop himself from laughing and waits a minute more, unable to pass up such priceless entertainment.

“Give me a minute.” Thor grunts. “I was sparring all day with Captain Steve, I am weary.”

Tony rolls his eyes as he listens to Loki’s huff of impatience.

“You’re too used to fucking mortals. I’m sure you seem totally incredible to something as mediocre as that scientist woman.”

Tony prepares to settle himself to listen to the obvious argument that was coming when he hears a creak on the stairs. He looks back over his shoulder and frowns down at Steve in confusion, who seemed quite surprised to see him here.

“What?” Tony whispers.

“The house shook.” Steve explains.

“Yeah, Thor had an orgasm.”

 

…

 

“You guys ever consider making a sex-tape?” Tony asks Thor and Loki over lunch.

Bruce snorts into his soup as Steve flushes a deep shade of red, picking at his noodles fiercely.

Thor frowns in confusion and looks at Tony with his head tilted to the side.

“I do not understand.”

Loki sighs.

“He means record our love-making so that others may watch it.”

Tony winces at Loki’s use of the words ‘love-making’ and raises his eyebrows.

“I didn’t realize you two ‘made love’.” He teases.

Loki watches him coolly, one perfect eyebrow raised. 

“Well, we are certainly past the ‘casually fucking’ stage that you appear to be stuck in.”

Clint inhales sharply as he enters the room and pats Tony on the shoulder sympathetically.

“He’s got you there, baby.” He comments as he takes Steve’s bowl of noodles from him.

“Hm. Dunno. I mean, Thor slept with and impregnated someone else so maybe you guys are just casually fucking?” Tony offers innocently.

To everyone’s surprise, it is Thor that reacts, not Loki. 

In the blink of an eye, Thor has risen from his seat and is towering over the Avengers, thunder clouds gathering overhead in what can only be described as record timing.

“How dare you speak to him in such a way! Have you any idea the dishonour you bring upon my child when you speak of its mother in that manner?” he roars, spittle flying everywhere.

Tony refuses to admit that the sound he emitted was a whimper but Steve will constantly remind him that it was exactly that. 

Tony nods quickly; never taking his eyes from Thor’s distorted face and pushes his chair back, ever so slightly.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers hoarsely.

Thor sits back down slowly, his features slowly returning to normal. He picks up his fork as though nothing happened and points at the salt.

“Could you pass me the sea salt shaker, please?” He says with a smile.

Tony hates the way his hands shake uncontrollably as he does, not missing the smirk on Loki’s face as he winds one snakey arm around Thor’s shoulders.

“You’ve scared the man of iron.” He chuckles delightedly.

Thor glances at Tony apologetically and opens his mouth to speak when Loki quickly silences him with his finger.

“Don’t you dare ruin this with an apology.” He warns. “This will go from sexy to stale in two seconds flat if you tell him you’re sorry.”

“Yeah, jeez. Even I’m a little turned on right now.” Clint breathes.

 

…

Yup.

Tony is going to be a great friend and be super, super loyal to Thor and he is never going to cross him any way ever. 

He likes his balls the way they are.


	6. Chapter Sex

Tony is an athiest, through and through.

He doesn't believe in God or any of that shit.

He thinks it's because he has seen so much horror and suffering in his life.

Pepper thinks it's because he has an ego the size of the US of A. 

But yeah, Tony doesn't think there is a greater being or someone who watches over them, judging and planning their lives for them. 

That was before he met Odin. 

 

.

 

It had been a nice day. Loki hadn't raised his voice once and had even smiled a couple of times. He had finally agreed to letting Bruce give him some sort of sonogram and really things seemed to be looking up. 

(Tony had managed to corner Steve and try and persuade him to go on a date and for once Steve hadn't told him to go fuck himself. He had just laughed and pushed Tony away but it had been a genuine smile, something Tony hadn't seen in a long, long time. )

Everyone seemed to be making a concentrated effort to get along and that would have warmed Tony's heart if he had one. 

But of course something had to fuck it all up and to be honest Tony had been expecting it to be Natasha shooting at Loki. 

Nope. 

Big Daddy decided to show up and wage the biggest Thunder and Lightning storm America had ever seen. 

Even the fucking White House had to be evacuated, Tony shits you not. 

It would have been pretty fucking cool had it not been for the fact that Odin seemed pretty intent on frying them all. 

 

.

 

"You think maybe it wasn't such a good idea harboring Odin's run-away sons?" Clint shouts over the epic rumble of Thunder. 

Tony winces and shrugs. 

"I think maybe befriending Thor without running a background check on his insane family was probably a bad idea." 

Natasha nods and shields her eyes against a flash of spectacular lightning. 

The roof of the tower shakes as Odin finally lands. JARVIS gives a terrified squeak and clears his throat nervously. 

"The grandfather, sir. "

Tony glances at Loki who had turned a rather frightening shade of green. 

"We can fend him of If you guys wanna make a run for it. " Steve offers quietly. 

Tony bites down on his lips to stop himself from screaming hysterically. Thor half smiles as Loki blinks at them uncertainly. 

"If you touched him a war like no other would destroy Midgard but thank you soldier Steve. " Thor says warmly.

Loki sighs and stands slowly. 

"Let him in JARVIS before he burns us to the ground. "

JARVIS does as he is told and Tony is fucking glad his bowels were empty because otherwise he may have shat himself as the great hulking figure of Odin stamped into the living room. 

"Holy fuck. " Steve breathes as he kneels before the mightiest of Gods.

"Stand the fuck up, you're Catholic. " Clint growls through gritted teeth. 

"I respect all other Gods." He hisses. 

"You're not supposed to believe in other Gods." Tony snaps hysterically. 

Steve shoots Tony a glare just as Odin demands silence. 

"Father." Thor calls warmly. "What brings you to Midgard?"

"Your mother tells me that I am to be grandfather. "

Loki sidles closer to Thor and regards Odin uncertainly. 

"You are. " He says carefully. 

Odin watches them for a moment before breaking out into a huge smile. 

"Well where is Lady Jane? Let me lay eyes on the mother of my first grandchild. " He declares happily. 

"Shit." Natasha sighs as the tower suddenly becomes enveloped in Frost. 

Odin beams at Thor and lets his good eye run over Loki. He raises an eyebrow as he takes in his youngest son's swollen stomach. 

"Ah, pregnant again I see, Loki." Odin says with a long suffering sigh. "I hope it's not a horse this time."

"What the fuck!" Tony exclaims just as Loki snaps: "It is Thor's."

 

.

 

It took a long fucking time to calm Odin down. 

There were tears, (mostly Loki's) and shouting (Odin) and hysterical laughter (Tony) but they manged to sort things.

By sort Tony means Odin didn't slay Loki or excommunicate either of them which makes Tony think that Odin is actually a pretty cool guy. 

There were very few parents who could take that kind of thing in their stride.

Tony thinks that the three litres of gin might have been what calmed him down in the end.

That and Steve's tearful rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner.'

But yeah, Odin calms the fuck down and smiled around at them all blearily.

"I am to become a grandfather; this is the most wonderful news."

Clint hiccups drunkenly. 

"Even though it is a child concieved incestuously?"

Steve coughs loudly and looks at Clint as though he had lost his mind.

Tony laughs charmingly and slaps Clint across the back roughly.

"Shut the fuck up." He hisses through gritted teeth.

"I meant the child Thor is to have with Lady Jane. Everything Loki births comes out as some kind of monster so I do not truly consider them my grandchildren."

No one looks at Loki who appears desperately hurt. Thor glowers at their father and opens his mouth to speak when Bruce cuts across him.

"If I ever have children they will be monsters too but I'll love them regardless because they are mine." Bruce says quietly.

Loki smiles at the doctor just as Steve slams his fist against the table dramatically.

"I can't take it anymore; I masturbate!"

Tony smirks.

The day was looking up.


End file.
